Clenching teeth. Speaking in absolutes as tho the things that were done are all that could be.
It feels as tho I’ve spent an eternity wandering though this sightless fog. Constant detachment facilitating vicious cycles. I’ve seen you on everyone’s face before. I’ve heard your words pass through the lips of every memory made. Living in circles.
This plague kills everything it sees, and I can see the damage being done.
I’ve spent years with all the static in my head. The jumbled words, thoughts, feelings that never reach the surface. Filtering through things, and finding no relevance to speak. Everything seems so much more clear when I think them, or is it repetition giving way to that facade?
My voice has been lost on me for so long, I fear the damage it brings. I cling to the words of others so I will not have to speak for myself.
Explanations falling into misunderstandings found to be more like excuses than truth, and my in ability to describe a life time of physical incapacity being the catalyst to perpetuate things that I can’t stomach.
Eyes see what they want to see.
Ears hear what they want to hear.
If feeling the way I’ve felt was a sin, than being a heretic is all I’ve ever known.
I wish it were easier than this. I wish I could just shut it off, or out, or both. I wish someone could feel this for just one day, and understand what it is like. To feel like your drowning yourself constantly, and every time someone comes to pull you out, you drag them under as well.
This nauseous sinking feeling that never goes away. The panic over small things. The fear. The silence. It’s all a part of me. My dark passenger. I don’t know that he will ever leave.